I wish I had perfect/better eyesight.

I don't usually do narratives, but in light of certain events, maybe I should write all this down somewhere I won't forget.

Today.
To do:
Clear files and books in room. Do laundry again.
Search library for Veronika decides to die.
Listen to 感官/世界. Learn how to sing 志明与春娇 properly.
Settle prom stuff.
Swim. LS. Instructor course.
O drama gathering + making of hoodie/shirt.
Return protractors to Darr. Return lock to Syl.
Return thermometer to Cas.

Get job? Mama seems to disapprove though. Oh well.
Have to get back in shape. Shit, what if I can get back to that state?

Can I just wear pants?
So much trouble for just one night.

Yesterday.
Went out with Cas. Sea salt caramel cheesecake. Mmmhnm. Finally got 浪漫的逃亡 which is a book I've been wanting since March? Kinokuniya rocks and I cannot stand Borders. Witnessed a 'domestic dispute', in which the female party screamed unreasonably at her husband and tried to wrestle their toddler out of his hands, causing the child to cry when the husband resisted. Woman then proceeded to scream something at her brother/in law, effectively ruining a family outing. Maybe she pms-ing.

13 nov.
End of O's! Cleared stuff from syl's locker. Threw away entire pile of notes in Physics file. Felt really great. Walked home with Liew. We never got to do the "Mah da lai liao!" thing at Cheng San CC. Damn. Went back home to dump stuff, bathe and change. Took afternoon nap. Gosh, haven't done that for ages. Went out when the rain ceased to a drizzle. Collected stuff. Borrowed books at national library. Headed over to Bras Brasah Complex and browsed at Popular. Ended up getting 感官/世界 at 15 bucks. Damn good deal. For my birthdays right, just get me the cds I want. Oh, and there was some shop selling dvds of China's national day, featuring perfectly synchronised marching and really stiff formal commentary which was at the same time both descriptive and detached. And books with piano scores of popular Chinese songs, including 五月天's 离开地球表面. Now, that should be interesting. Then, went home on a super crowded train. Dear commuters, which part of 'Let train passengers alight first before entering' do you not understand? There was this old uncle who kept saying chee bye in a really loud voice. Old men nowadays.

Kay, that's all. Shall go back to sleep now.
.

A very late cca step-down post

Sometimes, you've got to see the big picture.
Because he did, so many years ago, this is a democratic country.

He could have given in to the communists who supported him before and made this into a communist state. He didn't. Instead, he expelled them from his party. Could you call it a betrayal of the very people whose support he depended and rode on? Yes, in a sense, you could. Can you imagine the hate and wrath he faced from people that were once his comrades? Can you imagine the strength of the man's conviction? His belief in a future when even the present was dark?

Sometimes, there are things you have to sacrifice, to let go of, to betray, to borrow a phrase from the Harry Potter series: for the greater good.

Even if it comes at a cost to yourself. Even if it means that you have to do the dirty work. Even if you get no thanks. Because that's what leaders do. It's a thankless job, but the desire to serve keeps people going.

This is perhaps the greatest lesson I've learnt during my four years in Anderson.

Admittedly, I haven't gotten the part completely down yet. I'm not as noble as the councillors, or as good-natured and giving as Salmah, or as effective as Afiqah, or as personable as Praveena. I'm bad-tempered, sulky, egoistic, rebellious, biased, the list goes on for another 27 lines. Ok, so I might not have been the greatest class vice chairperson ever or the best vice president of ATC. And I'm really sorry for any feathers I've ruffled or the many souls bruised.

Sorry ah.

I've tried my best. I'll keep learning. I'll try to keep the faith. I'll be better.

Hopefully.

.

It's not a walk in the park.

It's a fucking tightrope.
And once you're on the other side, it's just relief.

.

Of jealousy and the depths within.

It is inevitable that some people are born more privileged than others, be it in terms of material wealth, familial ties or innate self values. A certain someone just wonders if they know it. Please understand that for a certain someone, even watching friends talking about their complete families makes her teeth ache, head spin and heart sicken. It has nothing to do with her friends, but instead herself.

It's not fair.
But no one ever said it was.
Still.

It's not, it's not.
.

Next year, we'll go to Marina Barrage. Okay?

Today, I walked about 10.5 km in total.
Then, I ate Botak Jones.
I also rolled my eyes about fifty times.
If you think I'm "joker sehhhh",
you should meet my father.
You'll thaw hwee all over the place.

Today was smashing.


.

现在呢？怎么办？

寄一份问候给远方的童年
想念那张满是纯真的脸
可以哭过就笑从不曾算计
幸福离的多遥远

寄一份心情给久违的青春
想念那个敢爱敢恨的人
相信忠于感觉会快乐一些
宁可受伤不肯说谎言

查无此人 他们说查无此人
童年只剩一张黑白的照片
提醒我在逃离保护以前
我有过一个简单
却又美好的世界

查无此人 他们说查无此人
青春只剩一段未完的爱恋
偶而像被风卷起的黄叶
落在心口上像一滴
被忍住的泪

查无此人 词：姚若龙 曲：陈小霞

The conviction of some people leave me in awe. The certainty, the sureness, the yes-this-is-what-I-want-to-do determination.
Once, I had that too.
Now?

我真的不清楚，只知道曾经拥有过。

.

Cravings

Recently, I've been getting cravings a lot.

"Eh, Cass, want to have lunch now?"

But when I reach the coffeeshop opposite school, I'm suddenly left appetite-less. Nothing appeals to me and I'm forced to shove sustenance down my throat, while the mantra, "you have to eat, keep your energy up" plays on repeat.

So it's not food.

I try reading. Usually, books make me pretty damn happy. Now, my eyes just keep straying to the ever growing pile of work.

Music, then, to soothe.

Strange.
The music seems to merge into a river of sound. Khalil's soul music starts to sound like Mayday's rock songs, and I know; it's not music.

Then what?

I'm starting to think that cravings are there to make you feel good and happy. And the problem is; I don't have any idea of how to make myself feel good or happy.

Please, let there be a way out.
I'll find it.

Yesterday, I cried in bed, utterly overwhelmed.
I hate this weakness.