Hello

I'm fine now. Everything's fine now. I'm still moving back though.

A moment.

"I lost my links."
-
"I can only remember some."
Why am I even bothering with this post.

My germophobia goes into overdrive when I take the train.

Seriously, public transport vehicles are not places where you can dig your nose, smear the remnants under seats, cut your nails, clean the underside of your nails, flick the nail dirt in the direction of other hygiene-conscious passengers or burst your pimple. Do it somewhere private and in the presence of water and soap, damn it.

And please, put on some deodorant. Or at least take a bath.

If

I told you my heart breaks a little every time this happens,
would you care?

Or would you laugh?
Of course, my reaction is standard.
Narrow eyes, twist mouth, shrug it off.
Turn away.

I turn away, so the hurt in my eyes can't be seen.
It's still there though.

Pretty boys have it so much easier.
.

Yield

I'm really good at packing an overnight bag now. I know exactly what and how much to bring; face wash, toiletries, underwear, clothes, wallet, phone, music player. In fact if you gave me 10 minutes to prepare a bag for a 3D2N chalet stay, I could probably do it in 7 and spend the last 3 minutes deciding whether to take Terry Prachett's Thud! or Neil Gaiman's American Gods along.

It didn't used to be like this. In the past, about 2 to 3 years ago, I had this intense attachment to my material belongings. If I lost a jacket or a pencil, I would mope around for the rest of the day and become grouchier the next. That missing jacket or bottle floating around somewhere in the world made me feel as though a small part of myself was lost and drifting until someone found it. And that made me shudder. An object I touched before, had a connection with, well, essentially a piece of me was now in a stranger's hands! Frightening. I needed to hold on to things for a sense of security, I guess. It's why little kids hold onto a particular blanket or toy, and why some people just have to ask "Do you love me?" every 5 minutes. That's why I used to take an hour to pack a bag. Extremely tiring.

But now, it's touch and go. Like literally. Maybe it's because I shuttle here and there regularly and none of my stuff is in one place. I have acquired the amazing superpower of Detachment, thus explaining the relative ease of leaving things behind at a moment's notice. Same with people. That's not to say that I'm cold and callous and heartless with people, well, OK maybe only to some. It's just that I find it easier to let go.

Because,
there will always be copies of certain cds floating around; library books would have to be returned anyway, can borrow another day; the pool would never dry up, so what if I can't swim for 5 days a month?; even though it freaking cold now, somewhere the sun is shining; we'll see each other again, someday.

And even if we didn't, I trust that we'd think of each other fondly from time to time.

This does not mean I'm successful all the time, I still get up hung over little things. But hey, who doesn't?

Celebrate the small victories.
.

I wish I had perfect/better eyesight.

I don't usually do narratives, but in light of certain events, maybe I should write all this down somewhere I won't forget.

Today.
To do:
Clear files and books in room. Do laundry again.
Search library for Veronika decides to die.
Listen to 感官/世界. Learn how to sing 志明与春娇 properly.
Settle prom stuff.
Swim. LS. Instructor course.
O drama gathering + making of hoodie/shirt.
Return protractors to Darr. Return lock to Syl.
Return thermometer to Cas.

Get job? Mama seems to disapprove though. Oh well.
Have to get back in shape. Shit, what if I can get back to that state?

Can I just wear pants?
So much trouble for just one night.

Yesterday.
Went out with Cas. Sea salt caramel cheesecake. Mmmhnm. Finally got 浪漫的逃亡 which is a book I've been wanting since March? Kinokuniya rocks and I cannot stand Borders. Witnessed a 'domestic dispute', in which the female party screamed unreasonably at her husband and tried to wrestle their toddler out of his hands, causing the child to cry when the husband resisted. Woman then proceeded to scream something at her brother/in law, effectively ruining a family outing. Maybe she pms-ing.

13 nov.
End of O's! Cleared stuff from syl's locker. Threw away entire pile of notes in Physics file. Felt really great. Walked home with Liew. We never got to do the "Mah da lai liao!" thing at Cheng San CC. Damn. Went back home to dump stuff, bathe and change. Took afternoon nap. Gosh, haven't done that for ages. Went out when the rain ceased to a drizzle. Collected stuff. Borrowed books at national library. Headed over to Bras Brasah Complex and browsed at Popular. Ended up getting 感官/世界 at 15 bucks. Damn good deal. For my birthdays right, just get me the cds I want. Oh, and there was some shop selling dvds of China's national day, featuring perfectly synchronised marching and really stiff formal commentary which was at the same time both descriptive and detached. And books with piano scores of popular Chinese songs, including 五月天's 离开地球表面. Now, that should be interesting. Then, went home on a super crowded train. Dear commuters, which part of 'Let train passengers alight first before entering' do you not understand? There was this old uncle who kept saying chee bye in a really loud voice. Old men nowadays.

Kay, that's all. Shall go back to sleep now.
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A very late cca step-down post

Sometimes, you've got to see the big picture.
Because he did, so many years ago, this is a democratic country.

He could have given in to the communists who supported him before and made this into a communist state. He didn't. Instead, he expelled them from his party. Could you call it a betrayal of the very people whose support he depended and rode on? Yes, in a sense, you could. Can you imagine the hate and wrath he faced from people that were once his comrades? Can you imagine the strength of the man's conviction? His belief in a future when even the present was dark?

Sometimes, there are things you have to sacrifice, to let go of, to betray, to borrow a phrase from the Harry Potter series: for the greater good.

Even if it comes at a cost to yourself. Even if it means that you have to do the dirty work. Even if you get no thanks. Because that's what leaders do. It's a thankless job, but the desire to serve keeps people going.

This is perhaps the greatest lesson I've learnt during my four years in Anderson.

Admittedly, I haven't gotten the part completely down yet. I'm not as noble as the councillors, or as good-natured and giving as Salmah, or as effective as Afiqah, or as personable as Praveena. I'm bad-tempered, sulky, egoistic, rebellious, biased, the list goes on for another 27 lines. Ok, so I might not have been the greatest class vice chairperson ever or the best vice president of ATC. And I'm really sorry for any feathers I've ruffled or the many souls bruised.

Sorry ah.

I've tried my best. I'll keep learning. I'll try to keep the faith. I'll be better.

Hopefully.

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